"I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, and I am leading you on the right path." proverbs 4:11

Intercession-an interposing or pleading on behalf of another person.

Written by:admin
Published on June 22nd, 2012 @ 04:34:00 pm , using 598 words, 513 views
Posted in Journal Entry

yelling yelling yelling.....FINE!!....AHHHHH!....running feet and the back door slams.

this on the day when sadness is trying to engulf me.

today?s parenting requires more of me than i?ve to give.

sadness is an appropriate response...i think;

there is a large forest fire burning in a mountain community that our family sits on the fringes of. our land and our hearts are just outside of it.  sorrow, sadness.

awareness of loved ones bonding together in the midst of their grief-longing to be a friend.  such deep awareness at my failure to be a friend in their time of need-is this part of the cost of following You?  or am i out of Your will?  sorrow, sadness.

i spent part of last night  with recovering addicts-sharing a bit of my story that shocked both she and me (she shocked to know it, i shocked to have told it).  visions of the past haunting into the night, robbing me of sleep, and closeness with my man.  sorrow, sadness.

Then leading a Bible Study-with women who i long, so long for them to KNOW, really KNOW holy Joy, depths of being loved, real satisfaction in their Savior.  i who so poorly serve-so poorly communicate.  some may choose otherwise.  i?ve no power over it.  sorrow, sadness.

sigh.

i had just come to pray-and write.  instead i breath out a help prayer,  get up and instruct the children to separate outside and pray. One slept in and woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  i receive that as my failure-for because of the sadness engulfing me, i too slept in-i did not parent this morning.  i know i am not responsible for their choices-i also know what sets the tone for the day and is good for us.  there are days when i do it.  and it is nice.  but today-the sadness is too big. 

sigh.

You are BIGGER than all of this my LORD and my GOD. 

Truths trickle in-and begin their cleansing, their settling.

?The Lord is loving towards all He has made......What shall separate from His love?  Shall Fire?  NO!? (psalms 145 and Romans 8)

?You will show me the path of life, in YOUR PRESENCE is fullness of JOY? (psalms 16)

?If anyone is in Christ, he is a NEW CREATION; old things have passed away; BEHOLD, all things have become new.?  (2 corinthians 5)

?Jesus lives...He LIVES!  He lives to make intercession for them.?  (hebrews 7)

He is making intercession-for all of us-even me, this new creation-who still so poorly serves.

sigh. 

a song....comforting words for the moment-a song of contrasts-reminding me Who You Are.

You are good, You are good when there?s nothing good in me
You are love, You are love on display for all to see
You are light, You are light when the darkness closes in
 You are hope, You are hope You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace when my fear is crippling
 You are true, You are true even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy You?re the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, in You death has lost its sting

Oh, I?m running to Your arms, I?m running to Your arms the riches of Your love will always be enough nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world forever reign

break thru the fog, grant me Power to Grasp* i pray.  restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.  i long for Your love to truly be enough. 

and help me be a mother today.

*see ephesians 1

Invisible

Written by:admin
Published on June 13th, 2012 @ 11:22:00 pm , using 184 words, 258 views

?Mom, i don?t know if it?s the fire or what, but I feel like i?m invisible...do you even care about me??

this from my boy who gets the most of me much of the time.   

but it?s been a week of fires.  both literally and figuratively. big and small.  and there is only so much of me. 

i do know  the truth that i can not be everything they need me to be.  they will have to look past me to the One who will not fail, who always Sees them, and Knows everything.  Knowing it doesn't make it less painful. 

 Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,
?My way is hidden from the Lord,
And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God??
28  Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
29 He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.   (isaiah 40)

even my way is not hidden.  oh grant Strength, my Jesus, for i am weary. 

Hope and being settled.

Written by:admin
Published on June 3rd, 2012 @ 05:33:00 pm , using 663 words, 321 views
Posted in Journal Entry, Settling

set·tle

verb, set·tled, set·tling.

verb (used with object)  1.  to appoint, fix, or resolve definately and conclusively; agree upon (as time, price, or conditions).

We went camping this past week.  The timing was perfect.  School ended.  We spent a few days discouraged, tired, bickering, fighting, exhausted, regrouping...did i mention fighting?? 

My girl and my older boy had a rough year of fighting.  The days after school ended, days of extra sleep and lessoned responsibility did not change things between them.   

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler is a novel by E. L. Konigsburg.  In it 2 children run away from home.  At one point something happens.  They don?t realize exactly what it is until later.  They became a team, adventuring together, rather than single individuals happening to be on the same adventure.   They still have fights.  But it?s different now.  I remember reading that and praying, Lord please do that for my own.

Anyway, back to camping.  We all started to regain ground exiting the mire of our weariness with the excitement in prepping for camping.  Up we went to beautiful Rocky Mountain National Park.  We popped up our camper and set up the tent for the older 2. 

Ahh, rest.

That night it was windy.  Extremely windy!  The 2 were there in the tent together.... afraid.  The wind howling, the tent flapping and twisting and collapsing in, then expanding out.   They both woke up and endured together for a few hours.    Hours!  Finally we intervened and brought them into the camper and took down the tent.

Things are now different between them.  They have it settled.  They are on the same team.  Oh i am sure that they will need to settle this again...and again and again.  But one day i pray it will be settled once and for all.  There will still be arguments-for that is only healthy.  But it is different to argue on the same team, than to argue on opposing teams.

.....~.....~.....~.....~.....~

Settled.  I?ve been thinking about this.  There are some things the Lord has been settling for me.  And each time it comes thru some experience that i would never choose....but to have the thing settled is always worth it.

to settle who my provider is... might mean a lay-off

to settle where my source of joy is....might mean a loss of something that has brought me joy

to settle His sufficiency....might mean a deep experience of another?s insufficiency

That is the gift of suffering, the hope of suffering.  To have a thing settled.  Resolved definitely and conclusively.  He has settled for me that He is both sovereign and good.  He has settled for me that i am deeply loved.  and in the facets of my heart where these truths are still murky, He gives me a gift of suffering, wind for strengthening, waves for cleansing.  Until it?s settled.  This is my hope in suffering, he?s settling something.

Therefore, since we are justified (acquitted, declared righteous, and given a right standing with God) through faith, let us [grasp the fact that we] have [the peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

Through Him also we have [our] access (entrance, introduction) by faith into this grace (state of God?s favor) in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God.

Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.

And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.

Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God?s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. (Romans 5)

all that might do me good...

Written by:admin
Published on May 18th, 2012 @ 07:29:00 pm , using 609 words, 173 views

?He has made himself unable to hear my voice.  Oh Adam?s sons, how cleverly you defend yourselves against all that might do you good... ? CS Lewis, The Magicians? Nephew

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

?In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,
    but you would have none of it.?  Isaiah 30: 15

 

driving away, i begin to think.....

what have i just done?  it all happened so fast.  my boys...are they now safe?  or have i  just put them in danger.... the risk and danger is very real, very possible.

and then all the disapproving and condemning voices sing an opera of scenarios?

what else is there to do but pray? 

oh my Lord, You know this frame.  This brain that does not think quickly on its feet.

They belong to You.  You love them.  You are sovereign-in control, reigning.  If tragedy or any number of those afore mentioned scenarios come to pass?.

i can  trust Your love.

for me and for them. 

 

i arrive at my destination....finding extra minutes given unexpectedly.  lots of extra minutes...opening a Bible,  i?m Divinely directed to psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in ?behind and before;
    you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths,[a] you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, ?Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,?
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother?s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16     your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
    were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
    I am still with you

You know, You know it all.  and You can be trusted whatever comes.

and my heart is at peace.

....boys were safe, a relationship began, a new relationship was strengthened.  but that was not the measure of success for that day.  it was the heart at peace amidst my inabilities, fears, and failings.  it was the awareness that perhaps, just perhaps,  i have become able to Hear His Voice, and willing to cease ?protecting? myself  from ?all that might do me good.?  for it is true that in quietness and trust is my strength.  Not (the illusion-for it is really just an illusion) of control and ?safety?.  He has promised me that ?in this world i will have trouble.?  that is the guarantee. 

It comes with these strength words:

                  ?but take heart, I have overcome the world.? 

Outside-in or Inside-out

Written by:admin
Published on February 19th, 2012 @ 04:36:00 pm , using 256 words, 173 views
Posted in Journal Entry

the sermon was in Mark 7-contrasting the Pharisee and the Greek woman.
The principle:  Outside in cleansing doesn?t work, it never gets to my heart. Things won?t change me; i need Christ?s life to change me. 

After worship, my boys show me their Bible verse, recite it from memory, hand me their paper...

?Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.?  Romans 12:10

....and proceed (with their sister) to race thru the parking lot to the car.  Pushing and shoving each other out of the way to be first.  Continuing into the car bickering over who gets to sit where along with who actually won the race.

that?s right i chuckle to myself it doesn?t happen from the outside in.  We can go to church, we can memorize scripture.  These are good things, beneficial things. Things i will keep doing-cause i?m not doing them for the sake of the kids anyway.  Yet,  the transformation of their hearts-that is not in my control.  That is done from the inside out-and by the power of the Holy Spirit.  It is one more reminder for me that my job as a parent is to partner with the Spirit-not work against Him- and i only do that by abiding with my Lord and praying constantly....CONSTANTLY.  Because i don?t know how to best parent so that He can do His work in their hearts.

 And so Jeremy and i pray and provide needed consequences, then we gather together to talk about how perfectly they have illustrated today?s sermon :)

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