"I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, and I am leading you on the right path." proverbs 4:11

Lead up the Rock

Written by:admin
Published on March 12th, 2013 @ 07:17:00 pm , using 658 words, 783 views

it was a difficult week.  serving ones perceived ungrateful-but in all actuality-hurt.

before i was given the privilage to actually understand, i wanted out.  i questioned-why are we doing this?  what is the point?  it is not that i expect a certain appreciation for our 'work', or even to have some ?100 fold fruit?.  but what i do expect is that our 'work' will not enable.  will not contribute to satan?s work in their lives.  and i haven?t always been sure.  so when it appears that the people we are serving--are ungrateful,  it makes me think they aren?t being helped by my kindness (sometimes helping actually hurts)-and maybe we have made things too comfortable.  maybe what is needed is a reality check. 

but when what is actually happening is hurt--that is different.  kindness and comfort are just what is called for when hurt, isn?t it?

again i remember-i prayed before, during.  my responses and interactions were prayed over.  but i don?t trust it still.  and in Your kindness-right at the very end-You grant understanding.  and i see--the response was actually what was needed.  and i remember to stop doubting and believe.  what i don?t know.... is what it is You are communicating....how it is Your Spirit is translating....what good You are bringing about by my perceived failure.  and really-where was i when You laid the foundations of the earth?  (translated-Jesus doesn?t? owe me insight or understanding-it?s grace that He gives it at all)

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forward a couple of weeks.  a conversation comes on the craziest of days.  one i?m not prepared for and have no time for. i speak into a heart who knows You not.  i shoot up prayers of help in the conversation and the words-they just come.  and again i doubt.  was that portion* of the gospel what was really needed?  did the truth break through or did i just muddy the waters and enable this one to continue on the path apart from You?  conversation over, moving on into the tasks of this crazy/craziest day.  pleading, pleading in the car for You to break through.  will you give me insight this time to see that it was what was needed?  probably not.  but will i remember once again to trust?  trust that You are communicating-Your Spirit is translating? 

*for it seems most often it?s pieces of the gospel handed out one morsel at a time....

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what is it that i really want? am i still not free from the chains of ?getting it right??  the chains of forgetting Who. You. Are.   that Who. You. Are. is sufficient-for their needs and mine?

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i take a "walk break".  a day comes that affords me some quiet.  and i sit. in. Your. Presence.

words pierce through-pierce through the fog that is threatening to engulf me. today i am giving into it....sort of.  letting it come.  shutting the door.  sitting before the One who gave all for love of me.  reading and reading and reading.  but it is all just blurred and jumbled in the fog.  still tired....exhausted really.  still under pressure, far beyond my ability.  and guilt for even thinking that in light of pressure that exists elsewhere.  ....and loss of joy.  joy engulfed in this fog, i grasp for it. 

until the piercing words.

?therefore, since through God?s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.....and even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing....but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us....?

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taking this ?one minute walk amidst of the 3 minute run?.  it?s restoring the joy.  restoring the freedom that comes when i remember; being this cracked pot that i am shows that the all-surpassing power is from God and not me. 

for when my heart is overwhelmed within-He leads me to the Rock that is higher than i.  that Rock who laid the foundations of the earth.

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ambivalent surrender

Written by:admin
Published on February 17th, 2013 @ 10:30:00 pm , using 149 words, 894 views

 

what i am really talking about is another place of surrender.

there have been many before, and will be many to come. it is all a giving up.  giving up my agenda. my expectations. my plans.  and it involves losses.  and unless those losses are honestly grieved-i can?t move on.  i am pretty sure that is a psychological fact for the entire human race.  i dare you - prove me wrong. and anyway, grieving involves simply being honest about how i really feel.

.....and the question ever before me; ?is God real... or not?  does He love me... or not?  is He for me... or not?? 

.....and the real answer-it is an ambivalent one.

i surrender to Your plan Lord, help me overcome my holding back!

i trust You Lord, help me overcome my fear!

i am thankful Lord, help me overcome my ingratitude!

i believe You Lord, help me overcome my unbelief!

A better interlude

Written by:admin
Published on February 7th, 2013 @ 02:35:00 pm , using 71 words, 1147 views

 

His answer-Tenth Avenue North so aptly communicates it in their own interlude.  (technically, musically, it may be an incorrect description-grace please?)

His love is over, it's underneath, it?s inside, it?s in-between. 

oh, once again He's moved me beyond myself, my old self, my new self.  beyond and right into His everlasting love.

For the Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His love to not fail. 

 

Repent; Return; Remember

Written by:admin
Published on February 5th, 2013 @ 11:56:00 am , using 718 words, 1839 views

?What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ?? (Phil. 3:8) And so, we respond as Much Afraid did in Gloria?s recent favorite book, Hinds? Feet in High Places, ?I am thy handmaiden, Acceptance?with--Joy. Do with me as you will.?

(-Grace?s words.  as she requests prayers for her difficult situation-Gloria, her daughter recently passed, and she and her husband in prison in the middle east somewhere on false charges.  a grandma has flown in hoping to be given custody of their remaining two children while awaiting the outcome.  i?ve never met Grace.  please join me in prayer for her?)

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sigh.

this is the verse that stopped me short.

the realization that i do not in fact consider everything a loss in comparison to knowing Christ.

the list of things played through my head and then the lyrics came as i stood there washing dishes.

and in this interlude-i grieve.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

and i am calling.

i have followed this far.  am i just tired?  is my love growing cold? 

i glance up on the wall, and am reminded.... ?since i am surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, strip off every weight that slows me down, especially the sin that so easily trips me up.  and RUN with endurance the race God has set before me.?

endurance:  the ability to withstand hardship or adversity; especially : the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful effort or activity <a marathon runner's endurance>

**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**

i ran once-a half marathon.  that year.  that year of training.  i remember.  it was....... excruciating.  i hated the training for the first 30 minutes-and then i loved it.  but not only that, while training for this marathon, i also was given an assignment from the Author and Perfecter of my faith.  it was...... excruciating.

i still bear, both the scars from the assignment and the 13.1 bumper sticker from the race.

but i have forgotten.

i have forgotten the huge crowd of witnesses who are on the sidelines, cheering me on. 

i have forgotten the Author and Perfecter of my faith is not me.

i have forgotten that the race requires endurance and endurance requires training.....and sacrifice.

i have forgotten to pray.

i have numbed myself with Foyles War and blogs and books and chia tea.

i suppose i could have chosen worse things-it?s not the point.

**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~sigh~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**

i am sorry my Lord.  please restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

and i am sorry dear reader-whomever you are-that if you are looking for some fresh lesson, i can only offer re-learning the same ones over and over and over again.

i am still Much Afraid.  but there is hope.  there is hope! 

the base and guitar play on.
the interlude
Acceptance....with Joy.
i?ll get there.  He has promised.  i?ll get there. 

The Lord is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation
He is my God and i will praise Him,
The LORD is a warrior; YHWH is his name.
Who among the gods is like you, O LORD?
Who is like you- majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?
In Your unfailing love you will lead
the people You have redeemed.
The Lord will reign forever and ever.

 

**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~sigh~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**

rest.  rest is needed to do the work. and remembering.  remembering is key.

i knew that.  training for that ˝ .  good nourishment. good rest.  and then one could endure.  i ran that race using a 3 minute run (jog) 1 minute walk.  my family decided to join me in that method.  we finished-and could still function!  that was important, for i?ve not the life that is such that i could kill myself in a race and spend days recovering.  no, i needed to run the race, and still function.  and the 3 min/1 min was the key.  plus the advanced training/practice with it.  i didn?t go from 0 to 13.1 miles that weekend.

i have forgotten-Who my God is.

unfailing love
majestic in holiness
awesome in glory
working wonders.

 the numbing is not nourishing or replenishing rest. 

taking my 1 minute walks-i?ve stopped doing that.  praying, sitting in Your presence, remembering.

remembering
and giving thanks
Acceptance.....with Joy.

musings in the interlude

Written by:admin
Published on January 31st, 2013 @ 12:32:00 pm , using 346 words, 552 views

(found this in the other journal-the one meant for no one's eyes but His.  slipping it in quietly here between posts.  reference on Abraham-see Genesis 12 & 20.  thank you for grace.)

To go anywhere, to do anything, comes in quite a different package than one might expect.  and like Abraham, i am afraid and reason with the logic i?ve learned.  still, Abraham?s God is my God, and He consistently comes to me.  HE comes TO me.  even when i do not call on His name. 

oh the grace.

 i fear and i fall back into the mold.  the truth is, Christian, what we really want- is not found in the way we think it is.  the thing our hearts are longing for, truly hungering for.  instead, what we are settling for is an allusion. but we, of all the ones who should, we don?t believe it.  we/i don?t.  trust.  Him.  i am missing joy.  i want joy.  but i don?t want what it costs.  it?s not quite worth it.  why?

because i haven?t experienced it yet?  it?s promised land, but i want egypt instead?  because i don?t know what i?m missing, i?m ok to miss it?

instead, well... see below-all the illusions i want.

all these lovers that call to me, that distract me, that numb the longing that was beginning to awaken.  like a sleeping dragon-it?s a bit unpredictable, and too costly.  it may cost my Christian fellowship.  but not really, i?m much to hard on them.  i think too low of them.  why do i do that?

what in the world am i talking about?

i?m writing.  pretending that i am a writer with something to say.  even tho i believe that i can?t possibly say anything that hasn?t already been said, and better i might add.  i?m still sitting here pretending to be a writer.

why?

oh my Lord, my heart-it has offended Thee.  You are worth much better.  i bring it here, honestly here-bearing it all-the shame of it all.  trusting in Your love to not fail, Your death to cover, Your life to redeem. 

what i need-is YOU.

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