"I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, and I am leading you on the right path." proverbs 4:11

Category: "Journal Entry"

Same

Written by:admin
Published on March 21st, 2013 @ 01:16:00 pm , using 327 words, 662 views
Posted in Journal Entry, Settling

 we are the same, you and me.

you long for the skin-scratching momma of yours to be free from dying the slow and painful death she is inflicting on herself.

i long for the medal-collecting daddy of mine to be free from living the slow and painful life he is inflicting on himself.

they are both addicts-just addicted to different things.

and we are daughters, you and me.  who just wanted our parents to parent us. we have holes and they have holes and we?re all just broken.

but then i ponder about what is different.  and i feel like a great big fool for even thinking i am the same.  i the one who complains about washing peed-in sheets for the umpteenth time and 2 days without a toilet. You just long for a home to wash sheets in....and then when it comes, just something to sit on-any random apparatus will do--  and i think--how offensive for me to even think we are the same-i have so so much more.  and i accept the challenge ?to stand in awe at what the poor have to carry rather than stand in judgment at how they carry it.?   

but the hole is the same, and the sin struggle is the same, and the brokenness is the same. 

the need for Jesus is the same.

i am just a fool.  and i have no clue how to love well.

it all gets tangled up and complicated spinning a web inside my head.

and if i sit in the web long enough-i make vows to myself not to come your way again, just to stay away because i?m just making it all worse.  we are so different after all.

then my real Father comes to me.  and He whispers; "it never was about you loving well, relating well

duh.  (yes, i do think He says ?duh? to me)

just love. 

this friend I?ve given you. 

because I love you the same."


ambivalent surrender

Written by:admin
Published on February 17th, 2013 @ 10:30:00 pm , using 149 words, 996 views

 

what i am really talking about is another place of surrender.

there have been many before, and will be many to come. it is all a giving up.  giving up my agenda. my expectations. my plans.  and it involves losses.  and unless those losses are honestly grieved-i can?t move on.  i am pretty sure that is a psychological fact for the entire human race.  i dare you - prove me wrong. and anyway, grieving involves simply being honest about how i really feel.

.....and the question ever before me; ?is God real... or not?  does He love me... or not?  is He for me... or not?? 

.....and the real answer-it is an ambivalent one.

i surrender to Your plan Lord, help me overcome my holding back!

i trust You Lord, help me overcome my fear!

i am thankful Lord, help me overcome my ingratitude!

i believe You Lord, help me overcome my unbelief!

A better interlude

Written by:admin
Published on February 7th, 2013 @ 02:35:00 pm , using 71 words, 1204 views

 

His answer-Tenth Avenue North so aptly communicates it in their own interlude.  (technically, musically, it may be an incorrect description-grace please?)

His love is over, it's underneath, it?s inside, it?s in-between. 

oh, once again He's moved me beyond myself, my old self, my new self.  beyond and right into His everlasting love.

For the Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His love to not fail. 

 

Repent; Return; Remember

Written by:admin
Published on February 5th, 2013 @ 11:56:00 am , using 718 words, 1940 views

?What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ?? (Phil. 3:8) And so, we respond as Much Afraid did in Gloria?s recent favorite book, Hinds? Feet in High Places, ?I am thy handmaiden, Acceptance?with--Joy. Do with me as you will.?

(-Grace?s words.  as she requests prayers for her difficult situation-Gloria, her daughter recently passed, and she and her husband in prison in the middle east somewhere on false charges.  a grandma has flown in hoping to be given custody of their remaining two children while awaiting the outcome.  i?ve never met Grace.  please join me in prayer for her?)

***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***

sigh.

this is the verse that stopped me short.

the realization that i do not in fact consider everything a loss in comparison to knowing Christ.

the list of things played through my head and then the lyrics came as i stood there washing dishes.

and in this interlude-i grieve.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

and i am calling.

i have followed this far.  am i just tired?  is my love growing cold? 

i glance up on the wall, and am reminded.... ?since i am surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, strip off every weight that slows me down, especially the sin that so easily trips me up.  and RUN with endurance the race God has set before me.?

endurance:  the ability to withstand hardship or adversity; especially : the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful effort or activity <a marathon runner's endurance>

**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**

i ran once-a half marathon.  that year.  that year of training.  i remember.  it was....... excruciating.  i hated the training for the first 30 minutes-and then i loved it.  but not only that, while training for this marathon, i also was given an assignment from the Author and Perfecter of my faith.  it was...... excruciating.

i still bear, both the scars from the assignment and the 13.1 bumper sticker from the race.

but i have forgotten.

i have forgotten the huge crowd of witnesses who are on the sidelines, cheering me on. 

i have forgotten the Author and Perfecter of my faith is not me.

i have forgotten that the race requires endurance and endurance requires training.....and sacrifice.

i have forgotten to pray.

i have numbed myself with Foyles War and blogs and books and chia tea.

i suppose i could have chosen worse things-it?s not the point.

**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~sigh~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**

i am sorry my Lord.  please restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

and i am sorry dear reader-whomever you are-that if you are looking for some fresh lesson, i can only offer re-learning the same ones over and over and over again.

i am still Much Afraid.  but there is hope.  there is hope! 

the base and guitar play on.
the interlude
Acceptance....with Joy.
i?ll get there.  He has promised.  i?ll get there. 

The Lord is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation
He is my God and i will praise Him,
The LORD is a warrior; YHWH is his name.
Who among the gods is like you, O LORD?
Who is like you- majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?
In Your unfailing love you will lead
the people You have redeemed.
The Lord will reign forever and ever.

 

**~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~sigh~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~**

rest.  rest is needed to do the work. and remembering.  remembering is key.

i knew that.  training for that ˝ .  good nourishment. good rest.  and then one could endure.  i ran that race using a 3 minute run (jog) 1 minute walk.  my family decided to join me in that method.  we finished-and could still function!  that was important, for i?ve not the life that is such that i could kill myself in a race and spend days recovering.  no, i needed to run the race, and still function.  and the 3 min/1 min was the key.  plus the advanced training/practice with it.  i didn?t go from 0 to 13.1 miles that weekend.

i have forgotten-Who my God is.

unfailing love
majestic in holiness
awesome in glory
working wonders.

 the numbing is not nourishing or replenishing rest. 

taking my 1 minute walks-i?ve stopped doing that.  praying, sitting in Your presence, remembering.

remembering
and giving thanks
Acceptance.....with Joy.

musings in the interlude

Written by:admin
Published on January 31st, 2013 @ 12:32:00 pm , using 346 words, 649 views

(found this in the other journal-the one meant for no one's eyes but His.  slipping it in quietly here between posts.  reference on Abraham-see Genesis 12 & 20.  thank you for grace.)

To go anywhere, to do anything, comes in quite a different package than one might expect.  and like Abraham, i am afraid and reason with the logic i?ve learned.  still, Abraham?s God is my God, and He consistently comes to me.  HE comes TO me.  even when i do not call on His name. 

oh the grace.

 i fear and i fall back into the mold.  the truth is, Christian, what we really want- is not found in the way we think it is.  the thing our hearts are longing for, truly hungering for.  instead, what we are settling for is an allusion. but we, of all the ones who should, we don?t believe it.  we/i don?t.  trust.  Him.  i am missing joy.  i want joy.  but i don?t want what it costs.  it?s not quite worth it.  why?

because i haven?t experienced it yet?  it?s promised land, but i want egypt instead?  because i don?t know what i?m missing, i?m ok to miss it?

instead, well... see below-all the illusions i want.

all these lovers that call to me, that distract me, that numb the longing that was beginning to awaken.  like a sleeping dragon-it?s a bit unpredictable, and too costly.  it may cost my Christian fellowship.  but not really, i?m much to hard on them.  i think too low of them.  why do i do that?

what in the world am i talking about?

i?m writing.  pretending that i am a writer with something to say.  even tho i believe that i can?t possibly say anything that hasn?t already been said, and better i might add.  i?m still sitting here pretending to be a writer.

why?

oh my Lord, my heart-it has offended Thee.  You are worth much better.  i bring it here, honestly here-bearing it all-the shame of it all.  trusting in Your love to not fail, Your death to cover, Your life to redeem. 

what i need-is YOU.

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