"I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, and I am leading you on the right path." proverbs 4:11

Category: "interlude"

melting

Written by:admin
Published on February 20th, 2014 @ 03:06:00 pm , using 456 words, 1810 views

"What do you want?"

.......

the accusations and temptations to do more/have more
and the accusations and temptations to do less/have less

who can know what it is they are to do?

i've been personally becoming aware of the whole identity thing....
          and had a couple of meltdowns over the state of the lives of the 5 living here in this home
                ....and the state of this home
     and some meltdowns over the state of the lives living outside of us, the state of this dying world.

this week in Matthew-we are in chapters 19-21

been also studying David and Saul and struck by (read: identifying with) Saul and his crisis of identity and battle with envy....and the picture of what he becomes-it's not even human anymore.

........

days go by and time alone to sit at the feet of the One who gives the best counsel and listens and knows everything.....the days go one after the other after the other and there is none.  and the world shouts in my ears and i forget what is true and meltdowns partner with striving and there is no peace inside.

until today.  and i sit with this question:

"What do you want?"

and i just don't have a clue what the answer to that is.

but He does.

and so He shows me:

tho i have not seen Him, i love Him, and even though i do not see Him now, i believe in Him and am filled w/an inexpressible and glorious joy.  for i am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.

what do i want?  joy.  unspeakable, inexpressible and glorious joy. 

and all my striving and pining and trying to figure it all out what to do and what not to do and where to live and where not to live and how to live and how not to live
             is all a frantic search for this joy.   

it doesn't come as i think it will. those words in 1 Peter were written to....

God's elect, strangers in the world, scattered.....who have been chosen (through the sanctifying work of the Spirit)
                for obedience to Jesus Christ.

i don't like being a stranger.  i don't like being scattered.  i don't always like obeying.

melt me with Your beauty, melt me with the truth of who You are and who i am.  the truth of the real goal of my faith-vs. the lesser things i make it.  the real source of joy vs. the lesser things i'm pining for

Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.  -psalm 51

for further melting....in a beautiful way:  

When Life has Taught You to Run Past its Best Conversations

Being a Closet Radical

in This place?

Written by:admin
Published on December 13th, 2013 @ 12:32:00 pm , using 908 words, 800 views

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn?t even aware of it! Genesis 28:16

i come in the door grumbling grumbling.

we?ve been spending ourselves this week on behalf of Isaiah 58 people.

the exhaustion is beginning to take it?s toll.

Wednesday, i was at the dentist sitting in the chair next to my daughter and the hygienist completely lost in October?s National Geographic.  So much so that they kept asking me questions and talking to me and i was completely oblivious with my head in the pictures of N. Korea and the Congo.  Finally my daughter yells out; ?MOM! It?s time to go!?  i look up and they are both staring at me as if they maybe had mentioned this already a couple of times??

late last night, somewhere between pulling into the driveway and my front door, i lost the car keys.

still, i left that to the light of the next day and attempted to make a birthday cake for my daughter.  the pan tipped and spilled half-baked cake all over the oven.

i plop myself down on the couch to try that too again tomorrow and look out my window.....no lights.

those dang squirrels chewed a bulb off-now only ¼ of them light up. 

after rehearsing spelling words with my 3rd grader in the car this morning and shooing him off with a story to remember why there is a silent K in front of Knight, i drive home and the grumbling begins to rumble and spill out within. 

pulling into the driveway and i remember those dang lights.  and in my grumbling profanity over the lights welled up within and dang wasn?t the word i wanted to use. 

i told myself it was silly to speak so about Christmas lights. 

i am a complete mess.

last night driving home the words to myself were instead; ?i am a complete fool.?

 all the volunteers for this week are looking to me to lead them.  my children are looking to me to lead them.  profanity wells up within about that.

grumbling all the way i plop myself down and am irritated that the whole wide world seems to go on without needing to stop in front of the King of Kings, the Wonder of a Counselor, but no, not i. i am desperate and needy.  and completely irritated at that fact.  (do you see it?  those lies that are such nonsense, but man, in the moment they seem so true.)

and he?s working hard, that infuriated accuser.  he?s giving it all he?s got to keep me right here.  exhausted and irritated. profaning the Son of God and His provision....or perceived lack there of.

flipping over the promise chart-i read these words:

The Promise of Victory

?Who is it that overcomes the world?  Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.? 1 john 5:5

oh and those words begin to do their work.

i make my tea and block out the rest of the accusations about how this chai has too much sugar and i?m on December 8th in ?The Greatest Gift? so i should just give it up. 

I open Ann's new book to page 65

The only words on the page staring up at me are these:

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn?t even aware of it.  Genesis 28:16

 

and i sit and let these tidings of comfort wash over me, lingering before turning the page for more.

(if you don?t have the book-the focus on the reading is Genesis 28:10-16-read that and the rest will make sense i think?)

You can feel it.....like life?s this stairway that you just never stop climbing.....Like all these lists are rungs, like your failures stretch from earth to heaven, like all your rest feels like lying down on one unforgiving stone.

-Ann Voskamp The Greatest Gift p.68

and the tears that fill my eyes blur the rest of the words on the page.

the bugs and the foolishness and the cake and the congo and it all does feel like rest* on one unforgiving stone. 

and today, i need my King to be a Victorious King, and my Shepherd to be a gentle Shepherd, and my Counselor to be a Wonder of a Counselor.  He is all those things and so very much more.

Love has come.

daily rescuing.

daily saving.

daily strengthening.

daily quenching.

daily loving, oh how deeply loving with the very word needed-even if it?s ?technically? days behind schedule.

sigh.  the grumbling and profanity** has stopped.  although i would not complain if the neighborhood boys did some target practice on some squirrels.

Holy Holy Holy

Lord God Almighty

Merciful and Mighty

in This very place

Holy Holy Holy

are You,

my Love.

my only Hope.

my only source of Strength.

my true Rest.

 

*He taught me about rest.  I sat in Matthew pondering these two verses side by side (11:28-30 and 13:22) and i did think of blogging on it-but the words have been hard to pin down these days-maybe soon?

** Also quoted in Ann?s book these word of Elizabeth Elliot; ?[Profanity] is treating as meaningless that which is freighted with meaning.  Treating as common that which is hallowed.  Regarding as a mere triviality what is really a divine design.  Profanity is failure to see the inner mystery.?  p.69 in The Greatest Gift.
my profanity was actually not in the words i wanted to speak over the Christmas lights, it went so much deeper than that. 

 

gains and losses

Written by:admin
Published on November 20th, 2013 @ 12:05:00 pm , using 609 words, 605 views

the contrast of two clock towers - London, England

Those who have attained everlasting life in the vision of God doubtless know very well that it is no mere bribe, but the very consummation of their earthly discipleship; but we who have not yet attained it cannot know this in the same way, and cannot even begin to know it at all except by continuing to obey and finding the first reward of our obedience in our increasing power to desire the ultimate reward.  Just in proportion as the desire grows, our fear lest it should be a mercenary desire will die away and finally be recognized as an absurdity.  But probably this will not, for most of us, happen in a day; poetry replaces grammar, gospel replaces law, longing transforms obedience, as gradually as the tide lifts a grounded ship.  
                                      -C.S. Lewis from ?The Weight of Glory?

 so we?ve spent some time as a family talking about things.  this house.  school choices.  life choices. about what we lose by staying put, and what we gain.  because that?s just it.  every choice comes with both losses and gains.  the school choices are still in process-one has to move on as he?s entering 6th grade next year.  but everyone, everyone, wanted to stay put in this very house. 

at that meeting-when i spoke-passion welled up from within and spilled out and the words, they. just. came.

that i?m all in with regards to the ministry.  we?re all in. 

and i can?t speak for my family-and it doesn?t seem like any of them were in a place of questioning it all anyway- but something has shifted in me.  this process of late has culminated with an inner shift.

nothing has changed without, but within poetry is replacing grammar and longing is transforming obedience. 

this life we are living is beginning to look like art.

for today, this is where we will stay and do art.

     my heart is growing in contentment more consistently. 

i?ve always had this problem of pining away for something other than whatever it is that i have.  maybe it?s the growing up in a military family where moving was the norm rather than staying put?  the thanksgiving lists help refocus my vision.  but the restlessness for something other is always there.  this Spirit given shift has not removed my restlessness completely-there will always be that this side of heaven as it is heaven that my heart is longing for?  but the restlessness that comes from wanting a different picture painted, a different outcome, a different process, and if i really dig deep enough and am honest, the restlessness?   it?s restlessness wanting a different me

i wrote a bit ago that art + no shame = joy.

i have been living ashamed of my art.

ashamed of my home

ashamed of what i do with my time, or don?t do with my time

ashamed of the gospel (i know it is the power of God for those who believe, ..... but still often i am ashamed of it)

ashamed of my writing (the reason i haven't really told anyone about this blog?)

ashamed of.......

me

that grounded ship of shame is being lifted by the tide

and my understanding of art is deepening

and the joy i?ve been running hard after

that traveling joy that Jesus promised could not be taken

it?s not been found in where i thought it would be

the tide rolls it in and deposits it on the shore of my heart as the shame is lifted out.

and so yes, i?m in.  all in.

the secondary gains and losses ever present

but with shame lost?

JOY gained

in or out?

Written by:admin
Published on November 16th, 2013 @ 02:42:00 pm , using 307 words, 1023 views

i?ve been praying about a thing for a while now, but last week i picked it up more intensely. 

is it time to get out?

out of the ministry that brings the ruffians to my door

out of the house that is small, small, small

out of the school where the parade walks by?

there were some valid reasons for exiting the ministry-which prompted some of these prayers

and 9 men who do the work of elders and this woman met to pray and search the scriptures and plead for wisdom from the One who gives generously without finding fault.

and the question was put to my husband and i

and we were given the opportunity to get out

multiple times

and we searched the scriptures together to grasp wisdom for the issues. and we wrestled with the hard things.  and when all that was worked through.  what to do with the ministry and how to do it

the opportunity was put forth

to get out anyway. 

if the Lord is leading us out personally-

100% support for whatever we choose.

......................................

we attended a meeting for a new school for the one who will be heading off to middle school next year.  his brother could join him there-because they also have 4th grade.

i looked around at other neighborhoods, with other houses

where the teen could have her own room.

.....................................

i?ve been sitting with the Lord about the direction my life is heading now-this season of transition.  and nothing has seemed clear.

and i know that i have confessed and apologized for the despising of what He?s chosen these last 10 years.  and i also know that i have enjoyed and embraced it too. 

i feel like the choices before me,  are mine to choose. 

am i in?  .....all in? 

or is it time to get out?  

que the interlude

feeling homesick?

Written by:admin
Published on November 13th, 2013 @ 11:26:00 pm , using 464 words, 999 views

this has happened before, this ache.  i don?t know if homesick is the correct term.  i?ve not really any childhood home or roots that call me back.  but it?s this knawing longing to be near. it happened when my younger sister was pregnant with her first so very far away in vermont.  i was pregnant with my third in colorado and we delivered within a week of eachother.  i longed so desperately to be near her.  to share it all with her. 

but could do nothing about it.

now my youngest sister is pregnant.  and the knawing longing is there heavy today.  wishing there was some way to not be so far away.   and seeing no solution. 

and all of that is miraculous, really

for this one who worked so very hard to distance myself as far as i could from my family.  it was necessary for healing.  and the Lord met me there and rescued me unto Himself.

but they still await their rescue and know Him not. 

and they are still my dear sisters* and i do love them very much.  and i long for relationships that are closer. 

but i can do nothing about it.

even if i moved to be close to one, the other would be half-way across the country.   it seems all us girls worked hard to distance ourselves for a time.  and we all ended up spread out around this great nation of ours. 

but now, reconciliation has begun.  and the youngest moved back home near mom and dad.  but the rest of us are settled into our new locations and we have all worked to see each other from time to time for weddings and thanksgivings and Christmases.

but the way relationships can deepen with time spent together is not possible for us.

how can a family fractured and healing go much farther when we are so far apart?

but i can do nothing about it.

and how much healing can even happen when there is no bonding over the Only One who makes completely whole?

and i can do nothing about that either.

so what does one do in a time like this?  where longings are strong and there is no relief to be had of my own making?

take it to the One

the only One

who can do something about it.

and i will thank Him for whatever it is He does do.

 

*there is another sister-the oldest-not pictured.  there is still much work of healing needed for complete restoration of all 4 of us.  will it happen this side of heaven??  will it happen the other side of heaven??  only the Lord, the God of Israel who is Mighty to Save and who came for this very reason knows the answer to that question.  


1 2 3 4 >>