"I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, and I am leading you on the right path." proverbs 4:11

Category: "Being Known"


Written by:admin
Published on February 20th, 2014 @ 03:06:00 pm , using 456 words, 2275 views

"What do you want?"


the accusations and temptations to do more/have more
and the accusations and temptations to do less/have less

who can know what it is they are to do?

i've been personally becoming aware of the whole identity thing....
          and had a couple of meltdowns over the state of the lives of the 5 living here in this home
                ....and the state of this home
     and some meltdowns over the state of the lives living outside of us, the state of this dying world.

this week in Matthew-we are in chapters 19-21

been also studying David and Saul and struck by (read: identifying with) Saul and his crisis of identity and battle with envy....and the picture of what he becomes-it's not even human anymore.


days go by and time alone to sit at the feet of the One who gives the best counsel and listens and knows everything.....the days go one after the other after the other and there is none.  and the world shouts in my ears and i forget what is true and meltdowns partner with striving and there is no peace inside.

until today.  and i sit with this question:

"What do you want?"

and i just don't have a clue what the answer to that is.

but He does.

and so He shows me:

tho i have not seen Him, i love Him, and even though i do not see Him now, i believe in Him and am filled w/an inexpressible and glorious joy.  for i am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.

what do i want?  joy.  unspeakable, inexpressible and glorious joy. 

and all my striving and pining and trying to figure it all out what to do and what not to do and where to live and where not to live and how to live and how not to live
             is all a frantic search for this joy.   

it doesn't come as i think it will. those words in 1 Peter were written to....

God's elect, strangers in the world, scattered.....who have been chosen (through the sanctifying work of the Spirit)
                for obedience to Jesus Christ.

i don't like being a stranger.  i don't like being scattered.  i don't always like obeying.

melt me with Your beauty, melt me with the truth of who You are and who i am.  the truth of the real goal of my faith-vs. the lesser things i make it.  the real source of joy vs. the lesser things i'm pining for

Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.  -psalm 51

for further melting....in a beautiful way:  

When Life has Taught You to Run Past its Best Conversations

Being a Closet Radical

just Wonder

Written by:admin
Published on January 12th, 2014 @ 11:30:00 am , using 420 words, 1408 views

i've spent 3 days trying to write this post.  i've written it over at least 3 times.

and i'm seeing something.  

the whisper of wonder wasn't necessarily an assignment of sorts to write for 31 days about it.

it was an invitation to enter into it.  to live it.

yet again.

this post was originally titled the wonder of His counsel.

and it was all about how he counsels me in the outcomes......of my decisions.

the outcome of where i decided to live....where i decided to send my kids to school....who i decided to let walk through my door....the worlds i decided to enter into...the "ministry" i decided to engage in or leave....

before us is a crossroads....all. the. time.

we were watching a video of a pitcher.  He pitches the ball.  a bird's flight path intersects the ball at precisely the moment to be struck.  the ball never makes it to the batter.  all you see are feathers exploding everywhere.  that bird never. saw. it. coming.

one. half. second. later. 

if he had sent that ball only ½ second later

the bird's life would have been spared.

it represents what i've been asking for with the latest decisions related to my children especially.  i'm not really asking God for guidance.

i'm asking him to tell me which path will be the one where the bird will not get pummeled by the pitch.....i happen to like birds and seriously, what are the odds??

and it's because i've lost my sense of wonder.

my vision has clouded over

and i am afraid.

and so He is a wonder of a counselor.  and He has been counseling me over the last few days.  

but today i sat at home while the rest of the family headed off to church.  after sleeping for roughly 18 hours (from the bug going around) i'm up.

and i did my homework:

Matthew  14   "Take courage...I Am"

and Shannon's assignment. 

So, it seems the only way through this life is the constant reminder that it doesn't belong to me.

and then i looked up that song i remembered from so long ago by Natalie Merchant.

and wouldn't you know it.

it's called Wonder.


and all the pieces of counsel are falling into place.  

and i know.

that the choice is ever before me-to transfer my trust from______
     to Christ.

one choice is safe.

the other leads to Wonder.  
it challenges everyone's balance because it will require a
'but God'


the whispering is an invitation to live Wonder.

each step of the way.

the wonder of worth

Written by:admin
Published on January 4th, 2014 @ 04:45:00 pm , using 629 words, 1554 views

Long lay the world
in sin and error pining
till He appeared
           and the soul felt its worth.


 Shannon Martin over at Flower Patch Farmgirl made this canvas and i've been pondering those words ever since.

visiting with a friend from accross the ocean.

we talk of the kids and life and it takes awhile to get to the heart of things.

but get there we do.

we talk of the inner heart longings for a father to declare that we have value

and how that permeates everywhere.  

it all goes back to that child who wants their dad to notice and to like what he sees.

and neither of us have that from our own fathers.


"i'm so proud of you" came once in an e-mail from my dad and it enraged me.  

because i felt in the depths 
         that those were empty words 
                      because if he really knew me he would not say them.  

and i'm Jacob dressed up as Esau wanting the blessing.  but when the blessing comes i know that it's Esau's blessing and if he really knew it was me, Jacob,  he would say something different.

and i'm done playing dress up.

but it doesn't mean this soul doesn't long to feel it's worth.


the Wonder of it all is that the One who knows that it's me, Jacob, He knows me to the depths of the bottom of who i am.

and it's not good.

i am an enemy.  
             an idolater. a Sabbath breaker. a liar. a thief. an adulterer. 

yes, but.

to Him, i am a pearl of great value.  i am worth coming down for.

how can this even be?

But God demonstrated His own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

grace is a much better motivator for growth than guilt and shame
       but grace is not understood unless guilt is understood.


any mere mortal's declaration of my value, my worth... it's not always a bad thing. 
it is lovely to be both known and valued by another. 
it just can't be the main thing. 
and at some level it will always leave me wanting.  because there is not anyone who really knows all of me.  
and i always know that.  others' praise can only go so far.  it leaves the lingering fear that 'what if they find out the truth?  then what?'

but God?

His declaration of my worth is comprehensive, encompassing. it. all. 

there's no fear of Him finding out, only freedom because He already knows.

and He, my true Father, declared me worth it and came.  

worth the leaving of heaven
worth the stench of the trough
worth the snearing and rejection and being misunderstood
worth the stench of walking around this planet with all of us who are unclean and have gone astray.

this is why the gospel never gets old.

this is why i pray to never loose sight of the Wonder of it all.....or maybe to finally grasp the Wonder of it all? 

and this is why i have kept the tree up and the baby in the manger....just a little longer i ask my husband, just a little longer please?

because long i lay in sin and error pining,  

pondering and grasping to truly comprehend His appearing

so the very depths of my soul will feel it's worth

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,
may have power, together with all the Saints, to grasp
how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure 
of all the fullness of God  Ephesians 3:16-19

not consumed

Written by:admin
Published on December 16th, 2013 @ 10:23:00 pm , using 550 words, 963 views

so plowing forth and letting God use the words even tho the blog looks ugly now and the text might be wonky.....and i can't make links work so you'll have to go back to the post titled 'facelift' to see what i'm talking about. but i did at least figure out how to paste from MS Word without an error.....but the formatting is still a little wonky and not how i like it.  oh well.  giving myself grace! 

"How are you doing?"
"all i have is Jesus....He's the only thing that is sure/secure."
ahhh, giving a concerned look.
because we both know when a person says that, it usually means things are going rough.

and i've been thinking about that all morning.
the truth is.....Jesus as the only rock secure- is always the truth. rough times or not.
and i'd like to remember that

What i long for in growth is that the good things won't compete for my affections, and the hard things won't steal my joy.
the beautiful thing that wrought peace to my heart and brought sleep to my body earlier in the week was this. so the decision was the wrong one and the response was the wrong one, and maybe my children will go down the wrong way tho i have striven so to point them to the right way, and maybe in the work i do, i will do it all wrong and it all may just not work. regardless of my failures real and failures percieved.....

Jesus is my only hope. Jesus is sure. because of Jesus and who He is and what He does,

i can rest secure. i can cease striving because i know that He is God.

Oh that you would rend the heavens and come down,
that the mountains would tremble before You!
As when fire sets twigs ablaze and causes water to boil,
come down to make Your name known to your enemies
and cause the nations to quake before You!

For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,
You came down and the mountains trembled before You.
Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived, no eye has seen

any God besides You,

who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him.
You come to the help of those who gladly do right,
who remember Your ways.
But when we continued to sin against them, You were angry.

How then can we be saved?

All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.


You. are. our. Father.

this I call to mind
and therefore have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love
we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;

is Your Faithfulness.

I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.'
The LORD delights in those who fear Him,
who put their hope in

Those who put their hope
in God's love to not fail?
bring Him delight.

Blessed are the people whose God is the LORD
The Only One Who faithfully, faithfully gives

pardon for sin
and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear Presence
to cheer and to guide
strength for today
and bright Hope for tomorrow


Isaiah 64 (from this morning's advent reading at church); Lamentations 3; Psalm 147; 144; a Hymn




Written by:admin
Published on July 23rd, 2013 @ 05:00:00 pm , using 307 words, 761 views

the yellow ring around the toilet bowl is disgusting so i shut the lid and wash my hands of it.  maybe tomorrow.

yesterday was spent on someone else?s needs.

and today the last one to catch the bug woke up with it.

and soreness from the fall yesterday while jogging with our Lady combines with fatigue from monthly hormones and i still can?t get out of my jammies.

thinking of how much to cancel today

thinking on and thinking on and thinking on the wretched state of this heart


out the window the sun still shines and the birds still sing


i have choices to make today

what will they be?

and who will really be the push behind them?

can i claim any ownership?

for the ability to pick up one foot and place it in front of the other and head outside?

or for the hymn that pandora picks, the one that closes these eyes and brings deep breaths and tears of being loved so. 
                prone to wander, Lord i feel it

the Work He does is amazing and the part i play is small.

and it?s unfair that i get to watch at all, with all the stomping and ranting i do deep within
                 - me, me, but what about ME?

-do i see today as a rest day-because Lord knows the work tomorrow will hold?

-do i see others as an assignment?  or do i see them as a gift...to uproot me?

-do i see my children and their illnesses as an interruption?  as a curse?  or as a gift...too, to uproot more of me?


considering the lilies today and how He clothes them.  they grow without toil or spinning.

if this uprooting of me continues, won?t the Designer Himself take root in my place?

do Your work my Master Gardener

uproot away


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