"I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, and I am leading you on the right path." proverbs 4:11

a portion of my life story

a portion of my life story

Written by:admin
Published on August 26th, 2012 @ 05:38:00 pm , using 1438 words, 830 views
Posted in Being Known, about

this was an 'assignment' from church one week.  it's not as condensed as i'd like it to be-but it gives a glimpse into the difference Jesus has made in my life.


sometime during 5th or 6th grade, i attended a youth event with some neighbors.  the gospel-or some version of it- was presented and i went forward during the alter call.  i was attracted to this God who loved me and the description of heaven.  at the end the kids i was with were annoyed to have had to wait for me and home we went.  this began my nightly pleas for this God to remove me from this world and take me to His heaven.  obviously He said no.   i don?t know how many nights this went on, but eventually upon continuously waking up the next day i concluded that either He must not really hear prayers, or He must not really love me. 

fast forward now to 15 or 16.  Estes Park, downtown, about 2 am.  the quiet hum of the street lights is the only sound as the city is asleep.  everyone, that is, except me.  i?m not quite interested in going home yet and i?m quite angry.  things have not gotten better for me-some of it by my own choosing, some of it not.  i?ve been trying many things to cope with life-and obviously they are not working.  i am angry still at God-He continues to allow my heart to keep beating and my lungs to keep filling with air, among other perceived offenses.  I shout-with all my rage-i shout out to Him something along the lines of;) ?would You leave me alone-i am not interested in You.  what have You ever done for me-what good have You ever done for me. how can You just watch the misery continue without even helping?   i am done with You-i would like to live my life on my own thank you very much.?  i have edited out the plethora of profanity included with my ranting.  (that part is always so painful to write or tell-more than any other part of my story)

things continued to get worse for me.  i really hate the places i?ve been, the things i?ve seen, the person i became.  i?m not sure which illustration would be appropriate to share to give the depths of depravity, the depths of despair, the depths of misery.  maybe the details don?t really matter-depravity, despair, misery-that is descriptive enough. 

18 now and at this point virtually homeless. i keep my stuff at a friends house.  she lives with her Vietnam vet alcoholic father.  it stinks at her house-literally.  and she has decided she hates me.  so i sleep where i can.  i have decided to re-locate to abq to live in these abandoned railroad cars i?ve discovered there.  a friend convinces her sister and brother-in-law to let me live with them instead.  they had only been married just over 1 year.  God has just plucked me out of the miry clay. (tho i do not acknowledge Him) He will eventually breathe into me a new song to sing-but it will take time.  (Psalm 40, Isaiah something)

These roommates model for me a different way of living and relating than i?ve seen or known. They are on a journey of knowing the Lord and it influences me.  i begin to attend church from time to time.  i also begin to attend Bible Study Fellowship.  i?ve become interested in what the Bible actually says-and don?t trust a church to tell me.  i?m studying Taoism also.  Worldly things begin to turn around.  i attend college and pay my way to an associates degree.  i get a job in manufacturing with HP.  i meet Jeremy.  then someone from my past shows up on my door asking forgiveness.  i spiral down a bit-not interested in seeing them-not able to forgive-i?ve tried it, it didn?t work before, it won?t work now. and it?s not even fair. so i refuse.

  Jeremy and i marry.  i quit BSF-it?s not working for me anymore-this following the Bible thing. i have a good job, we have a new house, i have a good man-what do i need the Bible for anyway?   9 months later and it looks like i might lose this good man.  i am a broken depressed woman-i tried to warn him ahead of time, but he married me anyway.  after a significant argument-he leaves-driving around to think.  i see it plain as day-the very spot i sat and cried out to the Lord for help.  telling Jesus i can?t go on this way anymore.  i can?t do life by myself anymore.  i need Him, i NEED Him.  i begin to ponder and comprehend this forgiveness issue.  i think when one has been the victim of an abuse that they were not responsible for, it is hard to see their own sin for what it is.  at least that?s how it was for me. but now, i?m coming to understand my own need for forgiveness.  the depth of my offences-not against others, but against the God of the Universe.  it leaves me speechless.  we talk about it.  i come to grips with it. at some point in the evening i experience this change wash over me.   i?ve heard it called shalom.  i?ve also in this time with the Lord come to understand something that i don?t need anymore.  something i had been using for  belonging, identity, words for my emotions, community with my emotions but never help-not real lasting help.  The Bible calls this an idol.  my music.  i gather most of it up in a big black trash bag and take it to the curb. i am not reluctant in this, but energized.  i have something else now.  this is the beginning of tearing down those high places-like in Israel?s day.  Eventually, like King Josiah, i will tear them all down and smash them to powder. 

Jeremy comes home to a changed woman-she now has the Holy Spirit. (i wonder if he knew, if he could tell right away?)  Jesus sends me back to BSF-and i am amazed with how much i understand now.  how much i missed before.  the Bible has become alive.  the Lord begins to take me on a path to wholeness. the new song begins to take form. 

it has been a long journey...a LONG journey.  i have sought godly counseling.  i have studied and applied scripture.  all along Jesus has pulled each weed-one at a time-and replaced it with His flowers-whole and beautiful.  my marriage has had rough spots since then-but the storms were weathered with Jesus? help-it has made all the difference.  i have struggled with depression since then-but again, with Jesus? help-it has made all the difference.  i have forgiven.  really.  hard.  things. Only by that power that raised Jesus from the dead-He has done it thru me.  he has asked of me hard things, really hard things since He came to make Himself at home in my heart.  i have asked Him a few times ?How could You ask this of me? it?s too much, it?s too far to follow here?  But even still, these hard things have never brought me to hopelessness-(close at times), but there is a difference.  and on the other side of these hard things a wound is always healed and freedom replaces a former area of bondage.  it?s weird how it works that way!   i am His.  That He would love me enough to say no to both taking me to heaven and leaving me alone.  That love that looked over the span of time and saw me at my worst-my WORST-and declared ?she?s worth it?.  That He would not stop at rescuing me from dying in my sins, but proceed to bring about wholeness too-to give joy and healing and freedom for the rest of this journey of life-it does not cease to floor me.  He has become the answer to every question-to every broken place, to every longing.  i wish i was better with words to describe the difference He makes.  yes, responsible behavior can be beneficial-but i did that for a while-responsible behavior without Him.  it did make things better than before-but it was not enough. i am so thankful that it was not enough!  that He allowed me to suffer by feeling, by knowing in the depths of my being that it was not working, not really.   it was Jesus i needed,  all along.  This may be the road that is less traveled, but it has made ALL the difference.  i believe with all my heart it is the Only road to wholeness.